“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

To the first mom, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Richard, we’re leaving.”

“I’m sorry for staring,” says the guy, “but you’re huge.”

“That’s because I’m a leprechaun,” says the short man. “All leprechauns are well-endowed.”

“I’d do anything to have a penis that size,” sighs the guy.

“It just so happens that I can grant wishes,” says the leprechaun. “If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I’ll give you a bigger penis.”

The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they’re going at it, the man cries out, “I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun screw me!”

“I can’t believe that you believe I’m a leprechaun!”

“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”

“What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”

“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”

“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”