Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
Ancient Chinese Torture
Written by admin on August 13, 2008 – 2:31 pm -A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
Tags: Ancient, Chinese, funn jokes, Funny, Funny pictures, Funny short jokes, Humor, Jokes, Media, picture forum, Pictures, Torture
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Obsessed Mothers
Written by admin on August 13, 2008 – 2:30 pm -A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mom, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, “Come on, Richard, we’re leaving.”
Tags: funn jokes, Funny, Funny pictures, Funny short jokes, Humor, Jokes, Media, Mother, Mothers, Obsessed, picture forum, Pictures
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The Clever Leprechaun
Written by admin on August 13, 2008 – 2:30 pm -A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While he’s doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.
“I’m sorry for staring,” says the guy, “but you’re huge.”
“That’s because I’m a leprechaun,” says the short man. “All leprechauns are well-endowed.”
“I’d do anything to have a penis that size,” sighs the guy.
“It just so happens that I can grant wishes,” says the leprechaun. “If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I’ll give you a bigger penis.”
The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they’re going at it, the man cries out, “I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun screw me!”
“I can’t believe that you believe I’m a leprechaun!”
Tags: Clever, funn jokes, Funny, Funny pictures, Funny short jokes, Humor, Jokes, Leprechaun, Media, picture forum, Pictures
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Elderly Wife’s Confession
Written by admin on August 13, 2008 – 2:28 pm -An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.
“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”
“What?” yells the man. “When?”
“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”
“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”
“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.
“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”
Tags: Confession, funn jokes, Funny, Funny pictures, Funny short jokes, Humor, Jokes, Media, picture forum, Pictures, Wife
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The Mistaken Hiker
Written by admin on July 10, 2008 – 4:14 pm -A guy is hiking up a mountain when he notices a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying profusely.
“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”
“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”
After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”
The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”
Tags: Funny, Funny jokes, Funny pictures, Humor, Jokes, Media, Picture forums, Pictures
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Philosophy of a Lazy Wife
Written by admin on July 10, 2008 – 4:13 pm -I don’t do windows because … I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don’t wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I’ll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)
I don’t mind the dust bunnies because … They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don’t disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don’t Spring Clean because … I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous
I don’t pull weeds in the garden because … I don’t want to get in God’s way, HE is an excellent designer!
I don’t put things away because … My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don’t iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.
I don’t stress much on anything because … “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!
REMEMBER . . . .
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
Tags: Funny, Funny jokes, Funny pictures, Humor, Jokes, Media, Picture forums, Pictures
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The Clueless CEO
Written by admin on July 10, 2008 – 4:13 pm -A young executive is leaving the office late one night when he finds the CEO standing over the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“This is a very sensitive official document,” says the CEO. “My secretary’s gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Sure,” says the junior exec, excited that the company CEO would let him in on something like this. He turns on the shredder and hits the start button.
“Great,” says the CEO. “I just need one copy.”
Tags: Funny, Funny jokes, Funny pictures, Humor, Jokes, Media, Picture forums, Pictures
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A Redneck Solution
Written by admin on July 10, 2008 – 4:13 pm -The residents of a southern town keep falling down a deep hole in the middle of the sidewalk on Main Street and always end up dying because the nearest hospital is 40 miles away. The mayor calls a town meeting to address the issue and asks for suggestions.
“We need our own hospital!” says one local.
“That’s beyond our budget,” answers the mayor. “Anyone else?”
“I gots a perfect idea,” says another redneck. “Just dig the hole next to the hospital.”
Tags: Funny, Funny jokes, Funny pictures, Humor, Jokes, Media, Picture forums, Pictures
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Shoe Salesman Pervert
Written by admin on July 10, 2008 – 4:13 pm -A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”
The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!”
Tags: Funny, Funny jokes, Funny pictures, Humor, Jokes, Media, Picture forums, Pictures
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The Magic Water Slide
Written by admin on July 10, 2008 – 4:12 pm -Three guys are at the top of a huge water slide when they notice a genie. He says to them, “Since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish. When you are going down the slide, simply shout what you want and it will appear at the bottom when you get there.”
So the first guy goes down and shouts, “A billion dollars,” and he lands in a pile of money.
The second guy goes down the slide and shouts, “Beautiful women,” and he arrives to a line of hot models.
Then the third guy is so excited going down the slide that he shouts, “WEEEEEEEEE!”